Chapter Eight

Hole Heart/Whole Heart

You are now alone. Single again after years with your spouse. Your Whole Heart collapses to half its size when she passes. It transfigures into what I call a Hole Heart. The Whole Heart is built upon years of shared moments—laughing and crying together over a favorite movie, sorrows at the passing of grandparents and other loved ones, feeling scared silly as we buy our first home, joy upon the birth of each child, caring for each other as we recover from any serious illness, celebrating the passing of each decade of birthdays, and the pride of marking yet another cherished anniversary together even as we watch many other couples disintegrate.

When a spouse passes, all these precious memories are dissected from your Whole Heart with a scalpel’s precision, the art of forming a family and its future expunged. The years of arguments, the torment of paying bills, bickering over the cost of a vacation versus saving for retirement and squirreling away for college become wasted. Compared to the once-complacent Whole Heart, which took life for granted, the Hole Heart is deep, defining, and painfully new.

The process of resurrecting the heart to wholeness is like a Lego construction, built one deliberate brick at a time. At first, bricks of varying shapes and sizes are sorted through and meticulously placed, and slowly assume the weight and shape of the newly imagined Whole Heart.

How grueling the repair process becomes as you try to imagine what your new life will be. Just when you feel you’re making strides, the blocks are torn apart, just as kindergartners at play knock down each other’s creations. You sit helpless as you watch the bricks tumble, and know you must pick up the pieces. Like any kindergartner, you’re frustrated yet keen to repair the damage. You long for understanding, but even kindred spirits who’ve also lost a loved one can’t feel your individual Hole Heart. It’s unique to you. Slowly, deliberately, repairs come as the pieces start to reform and the heart becomes a Whole Heart once again.

As the process unfolds, it’s easy to succumb to the pleasures of aloneness. What a wonderful revelation to have to satisfy no one but yourself! Ah, to decide when and what to eat, where to vacation, what TV show or movie to watch, and how to please only oneself without interference from “another.” The Hole Heart wages war within your mind, forcing you daily to choose sides, hammering at your previous understanding of the joys of marriage. The Hole Heart itself becomes the enemy as it tries to redefine happiness. The war rages on, with battles lost and won over your “need of one” or “freedom from the need of one.”

And then comes the dating game, which tends to overshadow need of one in favor of freedom from need. Freedom is tempting: To date and enjoy multiple women as the inclination allows is exciting. One woman is fun at the movies, another at the museum, another on a hike in the woods, and another a passionate romp in bed. Each eventually departs in reaction to your boredom—or worse, she rejects you. You ask, “Why can’t there be just one woman who can make my heart whole again?”

Each dating defeat adds to your indecision. It hurts too much to recreate the Whole Heart. It took decades to create the Whole Heart. How can another loving, nurturing, but untested and not yet trusted partner foster a process that took so long? The inner battle rages, with little compassion spared for yourself and sometimes little shown for others. Do you want the need of one or freedom from the need? Each is neither friend nor foe but an attempt to end the war.

The choice equates to the question “Do you prefer vanilla or chocolate ice cream?” Both are fine. There’s no correct or incorrect choice, but devour either in excess and you sicken yourself. Choose a side without real conviction and the demolition of your new Whole Heart begins again. The Whole Heart War becomes a savage obsession.

In this conflict, innocent people become battle statistics. You lash out at friends, family, children, and dating playmates with indifference, disrespect, and even malice as you scramble to find a mental foothold to craft a vision of your future life. The tormenting cycle is repeated until you reach a final decision.

My choice is to never let my heart be satisfied without another person. I choose the need of one, and I’m fortunate that I can make that choice. Others willingly choose, with fanfare, freedom from the need from one. They no longer wish to share their lives but live as happy singles for a spell or for eternity. And there are those who are forced to accept freedom from need. They have no choice due to age or other external circumstances, and submit to the realization that they must live the life of freedom. These individuals accept that they will never have the spousal sharing of pleasures, and they learn a new way of joy, making each individual choice or acceptance for their own futures.

Whole Heart is an internal process of personal renewal. With acceptance and vision, we endeavor to make our Whole Heart again in this new life of ours. For many of us, we feel the Divine has interceded in this new future, and we actually become closer to the Divine rather than drift further away. We find a different Divinely intended creative role to contribute positively to our life and those around us.

I wish my fellow single travelers the best of luck in making their Whole Hearts. I have full Divine trust that in time my Hole Heart will be a Whole Heart, as it once was a long and short time ago.